I Can't Find 'It'

I still haven't found it.

What is 'it'? I think it's a place that exists in my mind where I can find true peace. That's not to say I don't feel peace now. I do! I've got everything I want. It's just that, at times, I'll see or hear something that reminds me of a house that I've been dreaming of. This is really going to be getting deep.

I don't know if I'm the only one. Have you ever heard a song that brings you to a peaceful place that never existed? Did you ever smell something that was so familiar yet you can't figure out where you've smelled it before? Have you ever seen a piece of furniture or a picture of a kitchen sink that made you dream of a place that would finally let you exhale and relax? This happens to me all of the time.

Looking back I faintly remember being in my great-grandparent's house down the street. Perhaps it was that familiar smell and appearance that comes to mind. Or maybe it's the kitchen in my great aunt's house with the tall dark cabinets and the old-fashioned hardware. I have memories of my other great grandmother sitting in her old victorian house. She came from Poland and spoke little, if any, English. My mom would take my sister and I there to visit and my great grandmother always gave us ginger ale and egg biscuits. She would talk to my mother endlessly in Polish while we sat there quietly. My mom didn't understand Polish but that didn't matter. I can still faintly remember the old furniture and elaborately carved staircase. She had a old-fashioned butler's pantry with the tall glass doors on the upper cabinets. The kitchen was very basic with old linoleum on the floors. I never really enjoyed going there but, looking back, the memories of that house bring me peace.

As I was growing up I always pictured having a home with some of these features. I wanted the worn floors that had been endlessly walked upon by my relatives. I wanted the smell of old wood that was used as trim and stairways. I'll see fabrics from the 30's and 40's and yearn to sew these into curtains and bedspreads. If I had a small kitchen I'd love to put a small table next to the window with a gingham or checked tablecloth and a small vase of daisies. Outside the kitchen a screened door would lead to a small yard with a clothesline and a small flower bed. A few lawn ornaments would complete the picture.

I'd put up wallpaper reminiscent of the that point in time when victorian was all the rage. My 'fancy' china would be displayed in a hutch that smelled of old times. I'd have chenille bedspreads in one of the bedrooms along with a hurricane lamp on the night table.

I don't know why this style sticks in my head. It wasn't like I found great comfort in these homes. Actually my great aunt liked us but we had to sit quietly while mom visited. My great-grandparent's house down the street is now quite dilapidated. Even when I was small and my great aunt and uncle lived there, I would go over to play with their daughter. I could tell that it was starting to crumble. On their back porch was a player piano that was beautiful in it's day, according to mom. It sat there for years decomposing until they sold it.

So why do I yearn for these times? I wasn't even alive then. Even if I was, they were extrememly difficult times. I don't know why I romanticize over all these things. I haven't yet found the reason. All I know is that when I sense any remnant of those times, I find a great sense of peace.

I also realize that, even if I could create this dream house, the reality wouldn't be the same. You can't recreate something and expect it to bring you the peace you yearn for.

This is yet another strange part of my being. Normal people don't even think of intangible things when they create their home environment. The house itself creates all of their memories and dreams. I love my house. My kitchen is the closest I've gotten to recreating some of the ideas in my mind. I have old-fashioned signs up on a shelf. The wallpaper I chose is quite simple yet vintage looking.

I'm always dreaming of something else. As I get older I'm beginning to realize that whatever 'it' is, will never come to be. That's not being negative. It's being realistic.